Careful Drivers

Last night, Nomes and I went with a couple of friends to see The Prestige. It was pretty good, but the thing that has motivated me to post is not the movie, but the taxi ride home.

My friends will tell you that since getting together with 'Swerves' Borkoswki, I haven't been the best passenger in the world. Her inability to differentiate left from right, combined with a general indifference to things such as traffic lights and roundabouts have ensured that I'm always on edge in the passenger seat. However, last night was something else altogether.

During a ten minute taxi ride, we managed to do about 120 in a 70 zone, cut off literally dozens of cars, inciting road rage inspired threatening revs and swerves from other taxi drivers, and cause 3 almost accidents. I was half way through a sentence at one point when the taxi attempted to run down a guy on a scooter.

"Hey Nomes, do you ever get the feeling you're about to be in a car cr..... Shit! Watch where you're going!"

It felt like that scene in The Naked Gun where the girl from the Driving School starts to chase the criminals, and we hastily reached for the hitherto ignored seatbelts and found religion.

After endangering a dozen or so lives and breaking possibly hundreds of road rules, we finally arrived at the ferry pier - shaken, pale and ready to make the next leg of the journey. Naomi felt ok, though. A certain lightness came over her, as the crown of 'Worst Driver In The World' was lifted from her head and passed on to a worthy recipient.

London and Spain

Time for an addition to my little belated travelogue.

After a great time in Sweden, Nomes and I headed to Spain via London. We were only in London for one night, but we managed to spend about $500 Aussie on crappy accommodation, tube tickets and a brilliant show on the West End. It was a first to a professional production for both of us and I couldn't have enjoyed it more. We saw 'The Producers' and it brought the house down. If I was a theatre critic, my review would be one of the ones quoted on the poster: "I laughed so hard I almost cried!", "A fast paced thrill ride from start to finish!", "The theatre was really cold!".

After the briefest of brief stays in London, we boarded a RyanAir flight to Barcelona. Or, I should say, Girona, about an hour out of Barcelona. I'm sure BrianAir and Sleazyjet are good if you have someone to drop you off and pick you up, but next time I think I'll just pay ten pounds extra and with a 'proper' airline. By the time you add up the cost of the ticket, plus extra transportation, I think we spent more time and money on a budget airline than if we'd flown British Airways. And then there was the terrorism crisis, which we were caught in the middle of. I won't go into that, but the highlight was that Ali saw me lining up at Heathrow Airport on Hong Kong TV. Nice! I'm famous!

It was then on to Spain, where we had the brilliant idea of hiring a car instead of catching trains. Unfortunately, we failed to take into account that when you have a car, you need to find a place to park it everywhere you go. You also need to pay for that parking on top of your hostel costs. We drove from Barcelona to San Sebastian, arrived late at night and couldn't find a place to stay, so we drove to the outskirts and spent an uncomfortable night in the car. Just when we thought we'd made a credit card busting, debt inducing, stupid mistake, we stumbled across a free parking area that hardly anyone new about right next to the beach and just a few minutes from the old town. Perfect positioning. We also bought a couple of little matresses/seat covers for the car, parked on an incline and we had beds for the rest of the trip. Two birds, one stone. Sure, sleeping in the car might not sound like the best way to spend a vacation, but it had three unexpected benefits:

1. No early checkouts
2. No accommodation costs
3. Roxette's hit, 'Sleeping In My Car' was in my head for the whole holiday. Great!

So, San Sebastian was great. I saw a lot of showered in public toilets, drank the best coffee ever and saw lots of nudie rudie sunbathers. Oh, and the town was pretty cool, too, and the tapas was second to none.

From San Sebanners, it was off to a little town called Castro Urdiales, which only gets a mention because it is the site of my most expensive coffee ever, at 5 Euros, I think it was. And it wasn't even hot! Bastards.

After recovering from the expensive coffee, we headed to Salamanca. It is a brilliant town, rich with history of war and education. It was an absolutely beautiful place, and we treated ourselves to hostels and spent a few days reading books and lazily ambling around the town.

Next it was back to Barcelona to meet up with the energetic, the engaged, Aaron and Leah. We spent a few fantastic days exploring the sights of Barcelona. It was great to see all of Gaudi's architecture around the city but the real highlight was having someone to talk movies with again! It was just after Mel the Smell's arrest so we had plenty to discuss. It was great to see the two of them again after so long and went a long way towards easing any feelings of homesickness.

In a touching moment, Azza asked me to be best man at his wedding in front of the Olympic Stadium and I said yes. He had me at hello.

I would go on longer but my fingers just won't let me. I'll save Naomi's 'getting mugged' story for another time and leave you with a preview...

One woman... Three gypsies... One handsome Spanish cop... One jealous boyfriend
This holiday season... get ready... to be taken for a ride.
'DONDE ESTA EL POLICE STATION?'
copyright 2006

Goodbye, Ronald

It's a tough pattern to get out of, you know. Alarm goes off, hit snooze button. Alarm goes off again, hit snooze button again. Look at the clock, say a curse word and rush to the shower. Leave the house without so much as a thought towards breakfast, get on the bus, get hungry and realise that the only option between the bus stop and work is... good old Maccas. At 12 Hong Kong dollars ($2 Aussie) for a cheeky Sausage McMuffin and a coffee, you can't go wrong. Polish off your meal, get a nice little sugar rush and get on with the day.

Unfortunately, what started as an occasional indulgence quickly turned into a routine and before I knew it, I'd turned into Morgan Spurlock. I think he was onto something, too, because the old energy started to go around 11am and I was struggling through the rest of the day. Something had to be done. So I made a bet with myself that I wouldn't go to Maccas, KFC or any fast food place for the whole month of October. Quitting KFC was particularly hard because they've just come out with a delicious chicken muffin thingy, which is second to none. I know it shouldn't be hard, and most people rarely eat fast food anyway, but for me this was a bit of a challenge.

It's all Naomi's fault. Every time we walk past some junk food place, she asks me if I feel like any.

"Yeah, now that you mention it, Nomes, I could go a Double Cheesy. What are you getting?"

"Oh, I'll just have some of yours."

Yeah, I bet you will.

I'm proud to say that 24 days in, I haven't succumbed, and I don't even feel like the greasy filth. Amazingly, I have a lot more energy now. Who would've thought that McDonald's wasn't nutritious?

I've got a computer!

Finally, finally, finally! For the first time since living with my parents back in Berwick, I have my own computer and am connected to that Internet thing. I must say, as I sit here chuckling at a Roy and HG podcast, I'm as happy as Larry Emdur.

The crowd have been screaming for photos, so photos you shall have. I'll start with some snaps from our summer holiday to Europe. First stop - Sweden. Nomes and I stayed with the beautiful and talented twosome - Anita and Olle. We stayed in Södermalm, went canoeing just out of Stockholm, went on a ferry trip to Mariefred, went camping on Gotland and ate Swedish meatballs! Although, in Sweden, they just call them 'meatballs'. Imagine that!

Here are some photos of the happy holiday-makers.











Coming soon... photos and stories from London and Spain, including 'Nomes Gets Mugged', 'Blowing Your Budget in London' and 'Adventures on the Wrong Side of the Road'.

Krispy Kreme

I have issues with Krispy Kreme. Don't get me wrong, the doughnuts are great. They are not the source of my Krispy complaint. My Krispy complaint was caused by a coffee cup catastrophe followed by incredibly crappy customer service.

I bought some doughnuts and coffee from the new Krispy Kreme shop in Central and I discovered two things: a) if you like clean shirts, you should never bite into the centre of a jam doughnut, and b) their coffee cups are crap. I was carrying a bag in one hand and the coffee in another and by the time I got to my destination, which was only five minute away, my hand felt like it'd been carrying red hot metal. I had to put that bad boy down every 30 seconds to stop the pain.

Needless to say, I wrote a complaint letter to Krispy Kreme.

I first wrote to the address in Hong Kong - no reply.

I then wrote to the customer service department in the US. They replied as follows:

"Thank you for your email regarding your recent Krispy Kreme experience. We
appreciate you bringing this matter to our attention.

We have forwarded your feedback and contact information along to the
appropriate individuals for their immediate review. A representative from
Krispy Kreme will be in touch with you shortly.

Thank you for allowing us the opportunity to resolve your concerns."

Not bad, but 6 days later no one had replied. I wrote to them, quoting my reference case number and I got an almost carbon copy reply, saying they had forwarded it to the appropriate people and would get back to me soon.

Well, dear friends, I will not be fobbed off by so called 'customer service' people so easily. I have a valid point and demand to be heard. For this reason, I call upon you, my friends, to say that you've heard about their bad coffee cups and customer service from me, and frankly, you're disgusted. You can quote my case number if you want - 685865.

Something like this would be great.

"I heard from my friend that the Hong Kong stores have coffee cups that get too hot. What's more, I heard that Krispy Kreme's customer service department doesn't address complaints directly and tries to get rid of customers without helping anything. I think this is disgraceful and will never shop at Krispy Kreme again."

Click here to fill in a complaint.

Call it a sociological experiment. Call it a push for free doughnuts. Call it what you will. But I am always interested in testing the power of the pen... or in this case, keyboard.

It's time to stand up and fight, people. "Hell, no, we won't go, give me doughnuts, don't say no."

If this experiment works, I'm turning my attention to British Airways... but that's another story.

Back to Work

As you may have guessed from the quantity of blogs over the last week, I've finally got some work to do at work! Shocking as it may sound, I find myself actually busy for once. The first six weeks of the school year were a bludge the likes of which have never been seen, which is why I started doing the blog in the first place. Now I'm teaching classes again and it's heaps better. I've finally got a projector and screen in my room, which means I'll be able to do screenings of 'He-Man' at recess. I say it's for the kids, but I'll be more than happy to kick back and reminisce about my childhood with Orco, Prince Adam, Skeletor and the other Masters of the Universe.

Can anyone think of any other classic cartoons that I could show? I've got some Mickey Mouse and stuff, but I'm looking for some better ones. Not Scooby Doo.

So anyway, I'm back in the teacher chair and loving it. I want to take some video footage of my apartment, school and some spots in Hong Kong, edit it together and post it on the web. I guess step one will be to 'borrow' a video camera from school and step two will be to finally get my computer at home. Can you believe I'm still waiting for it? So.. I guess I'll do it one day.

Until then, take care of your good selves.

What's in a Name?

At Rob Zlondak's suggestion, I'm doing a post on names that people call you (or write) incorrectly.

Some of mine are: Mick, Micky, Nicole, Lick, Dick, Mr. Olifaa, Mr. Olifant and Mr. Elephant.

What are yours?

Memories

I just stumbled upon a great little site about 80s nostalgia. It took me back to the glory days of board games, bad fashion and after-school cartoons (remember James Valentine? Michael Tunn?). If you feel like a trip down memory lane, click here.

Speaking of the 80s, Mick Molloy has a new film coming out called BoyTown. All I can say is, I'll watch anything that involves Glenn Robbins dancing.

Limerick Town

After the deluge of creativity that came with my first limerick post, I thought I'd encourage all you budding wordsmiths out there to have another crack. This time I will provide the first line and you have to finish it. Your time starts.... now.

There once was a man young man from China

OR

There once was a woman from China

What are you waiting for?

Bruce Lee's Brother

One of the great things about teaching English as a Foreign Language is the ripper comments that students come up with. Here are a few gems I've heard over the years:

"Do you know the names of all the Beatles?"
"Yes, of course. John, Paul, George and Tony."

"Mr. Oliver, you smell. You should take a bath." - from a 4 year old Hong Kong girl. At least her grammar was perfect!

"Poo poo is very dirty" - from a 2 year old while sitting on the toilet

"How old do you think this baby is?"
"100"

"My Grandma is very fat"
"Now, King Lok, it's not nice to call people fat"
"Oh... my Grandma is very, very big!"

"Do you know Bruce Lee? Do you know his brother? Ug Lee?"
(half the class gets the joke and laughs and one smart girl puts up her hand)
"Yes?"
"Mr. Oliver. You are Bruce Lee's brother!"

Cheeky.

Classic Catches

Ask any guy and I bet they can remember some of the best catches they've ever taken. We can't remember birthdays, phone numbers or what we had for dinner last night, but ask us about a diving left hander we took in 1991 and our face lights up with immediate recognition. Without any effort, I can call to mind the best catches I took in Primary School. (Falling over the fence one hander at Callum's house and a reflex fluke at short leg on the road outside my house). This is why when you give a group of guys a tennis ball and something to jump off, you can keep them entertained for hours.

Our imaginations are set free and just for a moment, we are the heroes of our youth taking the catches we all remember - Steve Waugh behind the sightscreen, Dean Jones diving in the outfield, former rugby player Fatty Vaughtin's freakish one hander in the Allan Border tribute match. Fatty's catch, in particular, has enormous staying power. This is from wikipedia:

"In the 1994 cricket exhibition match celebrating the playing career of Allan Border, Vautin took one of the flukiest catches ever seen in any form of cricket, and it was replayed ad nauseum on the Nine Network. It has also been parodied by The Twelfth Man, and partially due to this parody it is sometimes referred to as "That F*cking catch".

To see Fatty's F*cking Catch, click here.

Anyway, when we all went on a junk trip last weekend we had a ball trying to take some classic catches. I was quite proud of myself, as I started the day too scared to do anything but a pin drop but by the end I was diving off the top of the boat and dropping catches like all the other madmen. Although I fear I will never be ballsy enough to attempt the backflip that Matty has perfected.

As with all days that involve boats, food, water and tennis balls, a great time was had by all. I'll leave you now with a couple of pictures. They are a) Matty's backflip, b) the boat we travelled on, c) a fully recovered Daisy Daniel and d) Hong Kong's famous erection, the IFC Tower - the sixth biggest penis, I mean building in the world.









Photos by Duncan Woodland