Pandemonium

Something very disturbing happened to me yesterday. It's English Week at my school and I have been organising some special activities for the children. We've had competitions, radio shows and cartoon screenings at lunchtime. We had been having our screenings of 'He-Man' and 'SpongeBob SquarePants' in my classroom. Unexpectedly, so many children kept turning up every day that we could never fit everyone in the room and had to put on our best bouncer demeanor and say, "Not today, buddy. Not with those shoes."

Consequently, there were a lot of disappointed youngsters every day. On Thursday, we decided to move the screening to the school's Main Hall. That way, we could squeeze in as many people as possible. About 200 kids turned up and we sat through an episode of 'SpongeBob'. Here's where it gets interesting. Now, I don't know if it's my lack of experience dealing with large groups or if the kids here are just crazier than I imagined, but as soon as the TV show finished I turned off the projector and said, "That's the end of the programme. Please stand up."

I was about to ask them to leave one group at a time, but it was too late. Time stood still and within half a second of me saying, "Stand up", 200 kids had jumped to their feet and bolted for the hallway doors at 100 miles an hour. Of course, the doors aren't wide enough to accommodate everyone, so within four seconds there was a bottleneck effect. The Grade 1 and 2 kids were getting crushed while the older kids, instead of helping them started to clamber over the top of them to try to get out the door. It was an absolute disaster! Kids were screaming, laughing and jumping on top of each other. I've never seen anything like it.

There were only a couple of teachers in the room and we all ran to the door and started barking orders and dragging kids to their feet. I saw one boy crying and feared the worst.... "Oh, no. He's broken an arm and you're going to be on the news." Luckily it turned out he was crying because someone stole his candy.

In the end, we got them all lined up again and asked them to leave one group at a time, but I thank my lucky stars that no one was hurt.

I was wondering about it again today and feeling really bad. I shouldn't have said, "Stand up". I almost killed someone. Aaaarrrrgggghhh. Just as I was contemplating this the fire alarm rang. Evidentally a Grade 3 kid had broken the fire glass and set off the alarm.... again. I looked out into the hallway and saw kids running up and down at 100 miles an hour, clambering past each other, screaming and laughing while teachers barked orders that everyone ignored, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Good, I thought. It's not just me.

The Royale Flush

It's not often that someone enters a casino and leaves disappointed. Well, that may not be true, but it was certainly the case on Saturday night when I went to see the much anticipated new Bond film, 'Casino Royale'.

My disappointment had nothing to do with the quality of the movie, though. To be fair, it's hard to comment on a movie that I haven't seen! Let me explain.

Nomes and I arrived at a very nice cinema in some fancy pants shopping complex on the other side of Hong Kong island. We were there on time and even had time for a pre-movie wee, which is always a plus. With arms full of popcorn and soft drink, we made our way into our seats. H12 and H13. Impressive. Right in the middle of the cinema, stadium seating and a nice big screen. I turned off the phone and got ready for a couple of hours of good old escapism. Things were looking up.

Seconds later, a man and woman approached with the line that all moviegoers dread...

Man: Excuse me, I think you're sitting in my seat?

Nick: Oh, really? Well, mine says H13 and this bad boy is H13.

Man: Yes, but mine says H13 as well. Oh, and look, my ticket is for tonight's show of 'The Curse of the Golden Shower' and yours is for next week's 'Casino Royale'.

Nick: Touche... (looks at Naomi, the genius who booked the tickets.)

Naomi: Whoops


Yesssssss... whoops indeed. Those who know me know how seriously I take the watching of a film. To be there, in the seat and to have it snatched away so cruelly. Well, I haven't been so disappointed in a cinema since 'Batman and Robin'.

What is Cricket?

Trying to explain the game of cricket is difficult enough even under the best circumstances. Throw a language barrier into the mix and you've got yourself an impossible task.

As I continuously refreshed my computer screen at work the other day, hoping for the inevitable English collapse, I tried to explain what cricket was to a co-worker. Impossible. My standard phrase now is that "it's like baseball but different". Not entirely accurate, but it seems to satisfy people.

Anyway, good on the Aussies for their unlikely win. Let's hope the Poms get one back, though. We need a bit of excitement for the rest of the series. Speaking of excitement, it's time to leave work now.

Monk

I love coincidence stories, especially ones to do with travel. I love hearing about how people bump into each other by chance, like when Rod Zlonzak and Glenny Rogers crossed paths in Rome, or when I was chatting to some clown in 'Cheers' at Malaysia airport and he used to babysit my boss at work. That kind of thing.

I also love 'brush with fame' stories. Ever since meeting Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan at the New York Deli in High St Armadale at the age of 7, I've been fascinated with these stories.

I have a story that mixes coincidence with fame, so I can't believe it has taken me so long to write about my meetings with Tony 'Monk' Shaloub. That's right... meetings. With an 's'. Plural. The big guy just won't leave me alone. The first one was at Mammoth Mountain, California, where I held the prestigious title of 'Ski Rental Guy'. Monk came in and got some skis. He didn't talk to me as such (or even look in my direction) but I knew right then and there that we had connected in a deep and profound way.

Cut to 2 years later and I'm on holidays in Barcelona with Azza, Leah and the garden Nome. We've just met up at the Hard Rock Cafe and were about to head down La Rambla when I was stopped in my tracks by Tony 'Monk' Shaloub, who was pretending to look at a map but really looking at me with his peripheral vision. After I stared for a while, he dropped the charade and stared straight at me with an ambiguous half smile. I took it as, "Hey, you're that guy from the ski shop in Mammoth Mountain. We keep bumping into each other. Weird. You're pretty awesome, you know that?", but it could also have been more of a "Take a picture, big nose, it'll last longer. Stalker."

This page is boring if nobody adds anything, so tell me about your brush with fame and/or coincidence story.

U bastards!

Ok, so this was not a good couple of weeks to be out of Melbourne. I'll admit that much. Sure, if I wanted to I'm sure I could've found some second rate band cover band somewhere in Honkers, but it's hardly the same as U2, Pearl Jam and a Make Poverty History concert in the same week, all within walking distance of my old apartment! It's ok, I've heard those bands are crap at live shows anyway.

.....

I think I'm going to cry.

So to all you bastards who just went to the U2 concert - congratulations. Well done. I am officially jealous and may take some time to get over it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put the iPod on and dream of what might have been.

Golf in Honkers

After another trip to Shenzhen to purchase some golf clubs (and an ill-fitting jacket. Dammit!) I decided to have a look for an affordable golf course in Hong Kong. Unfortunately, the words 'affordable' and 'golf' rarely make it into the same sentence over here, and it looks like I'm going to have to settle for the good old driving range, of which there are many.

There's a golf course just up the road from me, but it costs a lazy $1500 ($250AUD) for one round. Out of curiosity I asked how much a membership costs. Well, they haven't been for sale since 1997, but if I were to purchase one privately it would set me back 1.5 - 2 million Honky dollars. That's about $300,000 Australian! You'd really have to love golf, wouldn't you?

To make matters worse, last night I took a walk 40 minutes up the hill to the driving range only to be told that non members are only allowed to 'drive' on weekdays, and besides I didn't satisfy the dress code requirements. They honestly looked at me like I was a walking, talking piece of crap who had sludged its way through the door and was bringing the club more and more into disrepute with every breath I took.

Well, excuse me for breathing, Mr. Fancy Golf Course Man. If I had any moral issues with sneaking onto the back of the course and playing a few cheeky holes before, they're completely gone now. I might pop on down there and play the back nine tomorrow morning and save myself 750 big ones! And I won't even wear a collar. Take that!

Inconvenience

After finally seeing the convincing, moving and frightening picture, 'An Inconvenient Truth', I felt compelled to take the time to recommend it to everybody. I know the message is getting out there, with even Rupert Murdoch yesterday announcing his backflip on Global Warming, saying, "it is now our responsibility to take the lead on the issue," and that, "the planet deserves the benefit of the doubt".

Australia is the largest per capita contributor to greenhouse gases and Johnny Howard mocks Al Gore's film and the Stern Report as overreactions, but it seems that it is gradually being accepted by everyone else on the planet.

Johnny H: "Mr. Speaker, so-called global warming is just a load of poppycock made up by a bunch of long haired hippies and foreigners who smoke marijuana and bludge off your hard earned tax dollars. Don't overreact. In fact, don't act at all. As the world's largest per capita contributor to the problem, we don't feel the need to sign any agreements that are binding, because in the spirit of mateship, a handshake should be good enough."

Anyway, I won't go on too long. I don't pretend to know how to fix it, but surely awareness is the first step. All I want to do is recommend that you watch the film, read up on global warming or just take a few minutes to visit the website: www.climatecrisis.org