A New Collective

Hi all,

I am now posting at Checkerboard Collective. Have a look!

http://checkerboardcollective.wordpress.com/

Nick

Tag Dag

I bought a new jumper the other day, and whenever I buy new clothes I just have to wear them straight away. Anyway, I wore the new jumper around town and thought I was looking pretty sharp. I went all over town, got lunch, went shopping and finally went back home. Upon arriving, I went to the bathroom mirror to see if I looked as sharp as I thought and i realised: my tags were hanging out the back of the jumper. Whoops. Not so sharp after all.

On the Plane (or: Aussies Are Fatties)

I'm sitting on a plane that's about to take off for Singapore. It's Jetstar. I just heard someone ask for a blanket, to which the air hostess replied, "Yes. That's $4 please." You get the service you pay for, I suppose. At least they didn't charge me extra for my luggage (for every 1kg over the 20kg limit, you are supposed to pay 90 HKD). Mine was 22kg, but I got away with it. Then again, they do have my credit card details so I shouldn't speak so soon.

Geez, I'm tired. I've been busy at school for once, as well as organising everything for this trip. And this morning, I had to go to immigration in Wan Chai to get my visa renewed. Then it was back to school to perform such hits as 'Pretty Little Goldfish', 'Where is Max?' and 'This is the Way', with a bunch of nervous, ill-rehearsed kindergarten children, to a smattering of semi-appreciative parents.

Jeepers, a very old lady just sat down next do me. She must be pushing 90. I wonder if there is a maximum age for flying. I must admit, the Asian oldies are a lot more active than their Western counterparts, though. I always see them out stretching, walking, whacking their muscles and making groaning noises. It must be good for them. It also helps that they're usually a healthy weight, unlike the fatties back in Australia.

Yeah, you heard me. Lift your game, Australia. We can't be the fattest nation in the world; that's America's job. They're proud of it. We might have to go back and recruit Norm from those 'Life: Be In It' ads (see picture) as our new national mascot.

I've written a song (to the tune of 'Advance Australia Fair'):

Australians all eat lots of food

For breakfast, lunch and tea

McChicken meal that's super-sized

Is not enough for me

Our waists expanding rapidly

May cause our pants to tear

Hey, Bruce, put down that apple pie

I think you've had your share

There's kids starving in Africa

I thiiiiiink you've haaaaaad your shaaaaaare

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oldie Von Oldenstein won't shut up. She may be 104, but she chats like a 16-year-old, bless her. Her son's just as bad. This seat's uncomfortable. I'm too hot. Grrrr... I'm* going to pay extra and flying Cathay next time.

Hey, I can see my apartment from here. See ya later, Caribbean Coast. You truly are the coast with the most. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to endanger everyone's lives by listening to my iPod during take-off.

*probably not

Nearly Done

It's my second-last day of school for the academic year and I can't wait to get out for a while. I'm packing up my desk at the moment (actually, I'm typing at the moment, but you know what I mean). I've got a fair bit to do and I'm cramming it all in at the last minute as usual.

Can I tell you what annoyed me today? Well, I will. The heading in the Herald-Sun: "Broadmeadow's joins $1 million property club". What's wrong with this picture, people? I'm not annoyed that property prices in Broadmeadows are so ridiculous (well, maybe a little); I'm annoyed that Victoria's highest-selling newspaper doesn't know how to use apostrophes! I know that you can't expect much from the Herald-Sun, but I do expect them to be able to edit at the level of a Grade 4 student.

Is it trying to say, "Broadmeadow is joins...", or does Broadmeadow own the 'joins'? I can consider forgiving the odd typing mistake or less obvious grammatical faux pas, but this kind of blunder just screams, in the words of Lynne Truss, "I'm a thicko".

Brisbane Times

Visitors to theage.com.au or the Sydney Morning Herald or WA Today might have noticed that at the bottom of the page sits a list of the readers' most viewed articles. The Age usually has something like, "Stockmarket hits rock bottom" or "House prices ridiculously unaffordable so suffer in your jocks, first home buyers", whereas Brisbane almost always has some smutty, sensationalist story at number 1. For example, today's TOP story in Brisbane is: "Brigitte's boobs an 'impulse buy'". I don't doubt that they were, but it's hardly newsworthy, is it?

Other examples of 'top' stories include:

- Outrage forces US court to make law against sex with corpse

- Monk caught pleasuring himself - twice!

- Bianca's boobs more burden than.... something...

I can't remember the exact headings, but it never fails to come up with the goods. These examples are just from the past few days. Someone oughtta compile a list. You could make a book out of it. It could be called, 'Tits, Tats and Todgers: The Brisbane Times Anthology'.

Black Rain

Everyone prays for black rain in Hong Kong, especially teachers. When the Hong Kong Observatory issues a Black Rain Warning, it basically means everyone gets a day off work. It's one of those rare treats - you walk down to the foyer of the apartment building and there's a big sign reading, "Black Rain. Go back to bed. You don't need to go to work today, big fella," or something like that.

Today, it's really coming down but they've only issued an Amber Rain Warning, which means, "Bad luck. You still have to go to work, but you're going to get drenched."

I prefer black rain.

Back by Popular Demand

Well, actually, one person asked me if I was still doing my blog (thanks Jess!), but that's good enough for me! It's been a long, long time since I've written on this bad boy, but it's a good habit so I'm going to try to get back into it. I'm still teaching at the same primary school in Hong Kong and it looks like I'm going to be here for another year. I have moved apartments and now live in a town called Tung Chung, which is out near the airport and a five-minute walk from my school. I love it; it's nice and quiet.

I'm heading to Singapore on the 18th, staying with friends for a few days and then going back to Australia for the summer holidays. I've got 5 weeks of teaching rounds, which will take me one step closer to being a "real" teacher - meaning that I can work as a teacher when I finally move back to Oz. Woo hoo!

Other than that, I've been busy with assignments for uni and blah, blah, blah. Oh, I had a haircut and everyone from school is telling me I look like the guy from 'Prison Break'. I clearly don't, though; I'm just a skinny little weed with a shaved head, but it's close enough for them. I'm looking forward to getting back to Oz, seeing all my old friends, and not getting told I look like the guy from 'Prison Break' and that I looked much better before because I wasn't so ugly. Ahhh, gotta love the frankness of the Hong Kongers.

Head

Just a little suggestion for gmail and all the folk who run 'Blogger'. If a guy is in a foreign country and he logs into his Blogger account, it will sometimes come up in the local language - in this case Chinese. There is an option to change languages, but unfortunately it is written in Chinese characters, which are not all that easy to take a stab at. Maybe you could have the language options written in the desired language. It might make things a bit easier.

Ok, enough of that. I went to the Hong Kong International Film Festival last night and saw 'Tuya's Marriage'. It was a pretty good film. I don't want to give away too much about it, so I won't say anything other than that it was worth watching and it's set in Mongolia. Oh, and Hong Kong cinemas need to think about a little thing called 'stadium seating'. Every moviegoer's worst nightmare came true for me last night, when a reasonably tall boofhead sat two rows in front of me. I found myself cursing the invention of hair gel as his spikey do got in the way of my subtitle reading.

It ended up being a bit like, "What are........ here?" "I don't wa............ again." "The killer was..........."

I found myself ducking and weaving like a title fighter in an effort to get around this guy's impressive noggen. He can consider himself lucky I wasn't armed with maltesers. It would've been an easy target.

Fart Jokes

There's nothing like a good fart joke, and they don't come much better than in 'Bargearse' - Tony Martin's magnum opus and one of the best variations on "pull my finger" Australia has ever seen.

For those of you who have yet to experience the olfactory (what a brilliant word!) delights that only an overweight copper can offer, you're in for a treat. I should tell you that 'Bargearse' is actually 'Bluey', an old Aussie cop TV show that has been recut, overdubbed and, in my opinion, perfected.



I'd be surprised if anyone comes to look at this blog anymore, since I've hardly posted in the last couple of months, but just in case.... I was wondering if anyone has any good podcasts they can recommend. It's my way of staying in touch with what's going on in Australia. So far, I listen to 'Get This', 'Roy and HG', 'Enough Rope' (but it never gets updated) and... that's it. I've got some episodes of 'The Chaser' too, but it never gets updated. I gave 'Hamish and Andy' a crack. They're ok, but they've got nothing on 'Get This'. I'd like something else to get me through my daily commute. Is there anything good out there?

Unstoppable

Now that Sarah has told me how to add youtube clips to my blog, there will be no stopping me. I feel like a bit of a technological dud sometimes, but then again, I have a blog, so I must be a nerd - a nerd who is crap with computers. Nice.

Speaking of nerding it up, I just watched a presentation on iPhone and I'm in. Just show me where to sign. It's a pity it won't be around for a while.

Enough of this technical mumbo jumbo. On today's programme, all the way from sunny Melbourne, Australia.... as promised.... it's..... The Basics with 'Looking Over My Shoulder' (cue fake applause).

Simon Scorsese

Here's a film that my mate Simon de Bruyn (and his mates) wrote, shot, cut and scored in under 24 hours. Hey, Chris Nicholls is in there, too! Music is by The Basics. Jeepers, let's hear it for the Monash Berwick students.

Wedding

Hi everyone! I've been blog lazy lately, but I've finally gotten off my clacker and downloaded my England photos onto the computer. Here are some photos of Azza and Leah's wedding. It was a fantastic time. I've got a great little video on the camera of Aaron and Leah's first dance, but not sure how to upload it. Any hints from the geeks (geek = not computer illiterate)?

Speaking of weddings; as you probably know, Nomes and I got engaged. Keep an eye on this spot for the engagement story in rhyme! We don't know about wedding dates (or even which country it'll be in) yet, but it looks like it's a while off. The moment we know anything, so will you.

But without any further waffle, I give you... Aaron and Leah - The Wedding. My photos are a little dark, but maybe after Aaron reads this he'll post some better photos on his website!

Thermal Underwear

Why am I slightly embarrassed to write about thermal underwear? Surely there's nothing wrong with it. The weather's cold, there's no heater - wearing a bit of the old thermal underwear is a sensible step. It may not be 'cool', but hey, neither am I.

This might be a bit hard to imagine to those of you back in Australia who are in the middle of a heat wave and fighting fires from Belgrave to Bendigo (or something), but I feel I have to address this important issue. People snigger when I tell them about my thermal undies and I want to know why. There are a few reasons I think people find it funny.

1. The name contains the word 'underwear'.
2. The alternative name is the similarly hilarious, 'Long Johns'.
3. They look stupid
4. People who don't wear them feel tough and like to call you a cold-feeling weakling.

Well, I won't accept any of these, for the follwing reasons.

1. Grow up.
2. See reason 1.
3. You wear normal clothes over the top of them
4. Shut up. I'm tougher than you.

I'm sick of it being a crime to feel the cold. Ever since high school, when Rod, Clint, Craig and I had competitions to see who could wear shorts on the coldest day, I've been ashamed of my tendency to get a little chilly. But no more. Today is the day I stand up and say in a big, bold voice, "I'm cold and I'm proud".

And to all you bigots out there who have a problem with that, you can kiss my toasty warm buttocks.

My Christmas Holiday

I went to the UK
And had a great time
It's a place of great beauty
And history and crime

Azza got married
Leah did too
I was the best man
Mr. Sheen shined my shoe

'Coz I couldn't find polish
I couldn't find gel
I couldn't use cufflinks
But the day still went well

Pontypridd was the place
Where those two tied the knot
That's over in Wales
Where the weather is hot*

I stayed with my parents
Off the Bakerloo line
We ate Christmas breakfast
And drank all Dad's wine

I met up with Cat
Where my brother once stayed
In old Shepherd's Bush -
The expat enclave

Geoff D came over
From France, if you please
He has grown more accustomed
To fine wine and cheese

A week was too short
Now I'm back in Honkers
I can't sleep at night
My body clock's bonkers

But I've heaps more time off
Pretty soon, never fear
God bless the invention
Of Chinese New Year



*not

Pandemonium

Something very disturbing happened to me yesterday. It's English Week at my school and I have been organising some special activities for the children. We've had competitions, radio shows and cartoon screenings at lunchtime. We had been having our screenings of 'He-Man' and 'SpongeBob SquarePants' in my classroom. Unexpectedly, so many children kept turning up every day that we could never fit everyone in the room and had to put on our best bouncer demeanor and say, "Not today, buddy. Not with those shoes."

Consequently, there were a lot of disappointed youngsters every day. On Thursday, we decided to move the screening to the school's Main Hall. That way, we could squeeze in as many people as possible. About 200 kids turned up and we sat through an episode of 'SpongeBob'. Here's where it gets interesting. Now, I don't know if it's my lack of experience dealing with large groups or if the kids here are just crazier than I imagined, but as soon as the TV show finished I turned off the projector and said, "That's the end of the programme. Please stand up."

I was about to ask them to leave one group at a time, but it was too late. Time stood still and within half a second of me saying, "Stand up", 200 kids had jumped to their feet and bolted for the hallway doors at 100 miles an hour. Of course, the doors aren't wide enough to accommodate everyone, so within four seconds there was a bottleneck effect. The Grade 1 and 2 kids were getting crushed while the older kids, instead of helping them started to clamber over the top of them to try to get out the door. It was an absolute disaster! Kids were screaming, laughing and jumping on top of each other. I've never seen anything like it.

There were only a couple of teachers in the room and we all ran to the door and started barking orders and dragging kids to their feet. I saw one boy crying and feared the worst.... "Oh, no. He's broken an arm and you're going to be on the news." Luckily it turned out he was crying because someone stole his candy.

In the end, we got them all lined up again and asked them to leave one group at a time, but I thank my lucky stars that no one was hurt.

I was wondering about it again today and feeling really bad. I shouldn't have said, "Stand up". I almost killed someone. Aaaarrrrgggghhh. Just as I was contemplating this the fire alarm rang. Evidentally a Grade 3 kid had broken the fire glass and set off the alarm.... again. I looked out into the hallway and saw kids running up and down at 100 miles an hour, clambering past each other, screaming and laughing while teachers barked orders that everyone ignored, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Good, I thought. It's not just me.

The Royale Flush

It's not often that someone enters a casino and leaves disappointed. Well, that may not be true, but it was certainly the case on Saturday night when I went to see the much anticipated new Bond film, 'Casino Royale'.

My disappointment had nothing to do with the quality of the movie, though. To be fair, it's hard to comment on a movie that I haven't seen! Let me explain.

Nomes and I arrived at a very nice cinema in some fancy pants shopping complex on the other side of Hong Kong island. We were there on time and even had time for a pre-movie wee, which is always a plus. With arms full of popcorn and soft drink, we made our way into our seats. H12 and H13. Impressive. Right in the middle of the cinema, stadium seating and a nice big screen. I turned off the phone and got ready for a couple of hours of good old escapism. Things were looking up.

Seconds later, a man and woman approached with the line that all moviegoers dread...

Man: Excuse me, I think you're sitting in my seat?

Nick: Oh, really? Well, mine says H13 and this bad boy is H13.

Man: Yes, but mine says H13 as well. Oh, and look, my ticket is for tonight's show of 'The Curse of the Golden Shower' and yours is for next week's 'Casino Royale'.

Nick: Touche... (looks at Naomi, the genius who booked the tickets.)

Naomi: Whoops


Yesssssss... whoops indeed. Those who know me know how seriously I take the watching of a film. To be there, in the seat and to have it snatched away so cruelly. Well, I haven't been so disappointed in a cinema since 'Batman and Robin'.

What is Cricket?

Trying to explain the game of cricket is difficult enough even under the best circumstances. Throw a language barrier into the mix and you've got yourself an impossible task.

As I continuously refreshed my computer screen at work the other day, hoping for the inevitable English collapse, I tried to explain what cricket was to a co-worker. Impossible. My standard phrase now is that "it's like baseball but different". Not entirely accurate, but it seems to satisfy people.

Anyway, good on the Aussies for their unlikely win. Let's hope the Poms get one back, though. We need a bit of excitement for the rest of the series. Speaking of excitement, it's time to leave work now.

Monk

I love coincidence stories, especially ones to do with travel. I love hearing about how people bump into each other by chance, like when Rod Zlonzak and Glenny Rogers crossed paths in Rome, or when I was chatting to some clown in 'Cheers' at Malaysia airport and he used to babysit my boss at work. That kind of thing.

I also love 'brush with fame' stories. Ever since meeting Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan at the New York Deli in High St Armadale at the age of 7, I've been fascinated with these stories.

I have a story that mixes coincidence with fame, so I can't believe it has taken me so long to write about my meetings with Tony 'Monk' Shaloub. That's right... meetings. With an 's'. Plural. The big guy just won't leave me alone. The first one was at Mammoth Mountain, California, where I held the prestigious title of 'Ski Rental Guy'. Monk came in and got some skis. He didn't talk to me as such (or even look in my direction) but I knew right then and there that we had connected in a deep and profound way.

Cut to 2 years later and I'm on holidays in Barcelona with Azza, Leah and the garden Nome. We've just met up at the Hard Rock Cafe and were about to head down La Rambla when I was stopped in my tracks by Tony 'Monk' Shaloub, who was pretending to look at a map but really looking at me with his peripheral vision. After I stared for a while, he dropped the charade and stared straight at me with an ambiguous half smile. I took it as, "Hey, you're that guy from the ski shop in Mammoth Mountain. We keep bumping into each other. Weird. You're pretty awesome, you know that?", but it could also have been more of a "Take a picture, big nose, it'll last longer. Stalker."

This page is boring if nobody adds anything, so tell me about your brush with fame and/or coincidence story.

U bastards!

Ok, so this was not a good couple of weeks to be out of Melbourne. I'll admit that much. Sure, if I wanted to I'm sure I could've found some second rate band cover band somewhere in Honkers, but it's hardly the same as U2, Pearl Jam and a Make Poverty History concert in the same week, all within walking distance of my old apartment! It's ok, I've heard those bands are crap at live shows anyway.

.....

I think I'm going to cry.

So to all you bastards who just went to the U2 concert - congratulations. Well done. I am officially jealous and may take some time to get over it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put the iPod on and dream of what might have been.

Golf in Honkers

After another trip to Shenzhen to purchase some golf clubs (and an ill-fitting jacket. Dammit!) I decided to have a look for an affordable golf course in Hong Kong. Unfortunately, the words 'affordable' and 'golf' rarely make it into the same sentence over here, and it looks like I'm going to have to settle for the good old driving range, of which there are many.

There's a golf course just up the road from me, but it costs a lazy $1500 ($250AUD) for one round. Out of curiosity I asked how much a membership costs. Well, they haven't been for sale since 1997, but if I were to purchase one privately it would set me back 1.5 - 2 million Honky dollars. That's about $300,000 Australian! You'd really have to love golf, wouldn't you?

To make matters worse, last night I took a walk 40 minutes up the hill to the driving range only to be told that non members are only allowed to 'drive' on weekdays, and besides I didn't satisfy the dress code requirements. They honestly looked at me like I was a walking, talking piece of crap who had sludged its way through the door and was bringing the club more and more into disrepute with every breath I took.

Well, excuse me for breathing, Mr. Fancy Golf Course Man. If I had any moral issues with sneaking onto the back of the course and playing a few cheeky holes before, they're completely gone now. I might pop on down there and play the back nine tomorrow morning and save myself 750 big ones! And I won't even wear a collar. Take that!